


caller id never felt so good

by monsterbate



Category: Community (TV)
Genre: Cell Phones, Family Dynamics, Gen, Jeff Winger/his cell phone, Other, Study Group, Texting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-30
Updated: 2020-04-30
Packaged: 2021-03-02 05:20:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,174
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23919607
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/monsterbate/pseuds/monsterbate
Summary: After getting added to the study group text chain for the fourteenth time, he goes in and makes sure to save all their numbers to prevent any confusion when he gets suggestive messages about his dick from an unsaved number.(A man, his cell phone, and the people who save his life.)
Comments: 44
Kudos: 160





	caller id never felt so good

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you Netflix for reminding me of what I was missing in Study Room F. I also want to apologize for my formatting: it's texting, and a lot of it, but I did what I could.

After getting added to the study group text chain for the fourteenth time, he goes in and makes sure to save all their numbers to prevent any confusion when he gets suggestive messages about his dick from an unsaved number. 

(It happens. Twice. The first was Pierce, allegedly to the wrong number. The second? Was also Pierce. As they say: fool me one, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on the idiot who hasn’t blocked the number. So “Study Group Artifact” gets added, followed by “Spanish Class Blonde.” 

Later, he grows as a person or something. Britta explains it better.)

::

(study group brunette - no kids)  
_Does meeting at 2:30 on Tuesday work for everyone?_

(study group brunette - kids)  
_Yes! Gotta leave by 5 to get my boys though! :-D_

(blonde spanish class)  
_works 4 me thx for setting this up! 👍_

(football nerd)  
_ya_

(study group artifact)  
_Yes hodid youy do the litle fingr thig?g_

(movie nerd) _  
Yes_

(study group brunette - no kids)  
_Jeff? Does that work for you?_

_sure_

::

“Who are you even texting?” Britta asks him once when he’s propping up the study room wall and fiddling with his phone. Everyone else is attempting to build some ridiculous pinata goat or something for Chang’s latest insane assignment. “The people who tolerate you are in this room.”

“It’s super important,” he shoots back. 

She rolls her eyes and leans against the wall next to him. “What’s her name? Kaecee with three Es?”

“What if I told you I was texting my mother?” he asks instead, mirroring her crossed arms. “What if I told you I was texting my sick, frail mother a ‘ _hope you’re feeling better; I love you so much_ ' message that you just rudely interrupted?”

“I’d think you were a dirty liar,” she says. 

“Does my word mean nothing?”

“Is Jeff claiming to love his mother again?” Pierce shouts from across the room. “He gave me that sack last week when I caught him playing some fru-fru game on his phone.”

The rest of the study group _oooooo_ in unison. 

Britta’s eyebrows jump. “Busted.”

(He never admits that he’d been looking up recipes for paper mâché. That’s between a man and his search engine, damnit.)

::

(Britta - Spanish)  
_so ur not a total jagoff_

_which is surprising bc of all of u_

_what’s that supposed to mean_

_means u look like a jag_

_prlly the 4head_

_...what_

_???_

_i just mean_

_sometimes u say a nice thing_

_1 nice thing_

_and it means so mcuh for every1_

_that’s powerful, dude_

_why would you say something so mean_

_i thought we were friends_

_or did i misunderstand you & sex is back on the table _

_ew_

_jagoff_

::

He has this rule. He doesn’t reply to texts unless it’s been—at a minimum—24 hours, or there’s at least a 75% chance of sex at the end of it. He doesn’t use emojis. He doesn’t use capital letters or shorthand. He doesn’t do selfies—unless there isn’t a mirror within half a mile. His text persona is aloof, and dismissive, and jaded.

It takes the group three months to break him. 

(Off the record: group selfies don’t count as selfies. If anyone’s asking.)

::

(Pierce - so old)  
_[.jpg of what may be genitals]_

_pierce._

_don’t send me shit like that_

_What ? ? It’s just a photograoh of classs_

_today ! we missd yuou_

_Bet your not reallysick! !_

_what_

_wait, no. i don’t want to know._

_[.jpg of a woman’s shoulder]_

_pierce_

_[.jpg of someone’s ankle]_

_what are you doing_

_stop_

_[.jpg of a blurry, crooked attempted selfie; Shirley is visible under Pierce’s arm, smiling painfully]_

_See ! Be a damm man and get bettere soon !_

_will do._

_thanks._

_[.jpg of what are definitely genitals]_

::

He’s sitting at a bar on a Thursday evening when he realizes he’s been immersed in the Study Group’s text thread for the better part of an hour. And he’s not even _mad_ about it—what is Greendale doing to his brain?

Abed and Britta are debating the philosophy behind army-funded action movies while Troy interjects with gifs of ‘super awesome explosions’. Shirley has a surprising number of Wesley Snipes quotes at hand, and Pierce keeps rating the heroines with eggplant emojis. Annie comments on the romantic subplots and keeps asking what the eggplants mean. Nobody explains it. 

(He finally has to wade in when they start on _Die Hard_ because no one talks shit about _Die Hard_.)

::

(Troy - football, nerd)  
_heyyyy so abed is throwing a party_

_tomorrow night_

_there will be beer_

_have fun_

_oh we will_

_but_

_no_

_we need a car? to get the beer?_

_no_

_please_

_no_

_JEFF I AM ASKING NICELY_

_THERE WILL BE HOTTIES_

_BUT THEY WILL NOT HAVE BEER_

_IF YOU DO NOT HELP US_

_dude lay off the caps lock_

_we’re not writing ransom notes_

_i don’t get that reference but i bet its lame_

_hey_

_do you need a car or not_

_sorry_

_what time should i pick you kids up_

::

__

It’s after sophomore year—which, can you even call it "sophomore year" for non-traditional students who are basically being held against their will?—when he gets a new phone. 

The sales guy offers to transfer all his contacts and Jeff...pauses. He thinks about how long he’s had that phone—how many bars and grocery store lines and law office mixers it has survived. And he ends up saying thanks but no thanks. 

So he goes out and buys himself a coffee and sits at a table in Starbucks while he intentionally goes through the ridiculous list of contacts in his old phone. And then he transfers over the numbers of the people he—goddamn it _what has Greendale done to him_ —the people he _cares_ about. He can count them on both hands: his mother; Abed; Troy; Britta; Annie; Shirley; Pierce; Duncan. 

Then he copies over the ones he needs for purely professional reasons: the takeout place down the street; his physical trainer; Ted; the few lawyers who didn’t salt the earth when he was exposed. His new contact list is tiny but it doesn’t make him feel vaguely nauseous when he scrolls through it, so. Growth, or something.

(And, yes, okay, he keeps Alan’s number. And Dean Pelton’s. But both of those numbers are labeled “ONLY IF DEATH IS IMMINENT” and that’s all he has to say about that.)

::

(Shirley B)  
_Hello! I noticed you hadn’t replied to my invitation to Ben’s baptism—  
just want to make sure you’ll be able to attend! <3 _

_baptisms are kind of a young crowd_

_Good thing you’re friends with the mother of the child being baptised!_

_you know what you’re doing_

_The Good Lord works in mysterious ways, Jeffrey,  
_ _and I just want to know how much potato salad to make. :-*_

_fine_

_Fine you’ll be there? Or fine, you’ll be disappointing  
_ _a hard working mother of 3 on an important day in her son’s life?_

_i’ll be there_

_Thank you, Jeffrey. <3 _

_you’re welcome_

::

Soon, even when he’s _with them_ he finds himself texting them. Like some gross little interdependent circle of meta bullshit. He texts them about the shit they’re doing _while they’re still doing it_. 

Like the time he ends up text-narrating their attempts to convince the Dean that Pizza is a protected right according to the Constitution and any attempts to remove it from the cafeteria menu is basically terrorism. It would have worked better if Troy hadn’t kept checking his phone and then giggling like a teenage girl. 

(He’s particularly proud of his running commentary on Britta’s rant about Homeland Security and their infringement on her right to vegetarianism. It’s basically art.)

::

(Annie)  
_I think we should stop bringing food to our study sessions._

(Troy)  
_what why_

(Britta)  
_i f this is abt calorees, you better THINK  
_

_abt what those magazines are trying to SELL u_ 🍫 🍩 🍪

(Shirley)  
_Who said anything about calories, Britta?_

_Can’t a woman enjoy a brownie in peace?_

(Abed)  
_[Michael Jackson eating popcorn .gif]_

(Britta)  
_noooo i just want 2 amke sure annie isnt avoiding foods bc of ridiculous patriarchy bs_

_u no they want u to think food is EVIL_

(Troy)  
_trust me annie eats MORE THAN ENOUGH FOOD FOR A GIRL_

(Annie)  
_I replaced the Lucky Charms, Troy. It’s not that big of a deal._

_AND ALSO, we have ants. In the study room._

_This has nothing to do with the patriarchy, Britta._

(Britta)  
_ooo good just wantd 2 mk sure_

(Troy)  
_you replaced them with MARSHMALLOW MATEYS_

_THEY ARE NOT THE SAME_

_also i think the ants are Changs fault_

(Pierce) _  
Is mates code forr black people stuff? Or sexx stuff ?_

(Shirley)  
_Dear Lord, I pray you watch out for Pierce._ 🙏

_Since he CLEARLY doesn’t know what he’s saying._

(Abed)  
_[Shia Labeouf applause .gif]_

(Annie)  
_Pierce! That’s not what that means at all!_

_ok lets all calm down here_

_1: we have previously agreed on the exchange rate for charms vs. mateys. annie will make good_

_2: pierce, don’t be racist_

_3: abed you can’t reply only in gifs we’ve talked about this_

_4: chang’s definitely to blame for the ants_

(Pierce)  
_Arre you sure its not because Britta eats in their when shes high ?_

(Shirley)  
_Oh sweet baby Jesus._

::

Sometimes, he wonders what his life would have been like if he hadn’t tried the tutor line on the hot blonde in his Spanish class. If he’d tried a little harder to make the group fall apart. If he had just gone for broke and begged Britta to have pity sex with him from the beginning.

But then he wouldn’t have a text chain dedicated to ridiculous movie facts with Troy and Abed (Troy’s facts are mostly about movie sets that were reportedly haunted; Abed’s are about props and costumes and the creative ways they killed the actors who used them). And he wouldn’t have a folder dedicated to gross reaction gifs to pull out when Pierce references his genitals, specifically curated to make Shirley reply with ‘JEFFREY’ in all caps. And he wouldn’t get to see all the sunrise photos Annie texts to the group chat when she’s getting a ‘head start on studying’. And he’d miss Britta’s cyclical attempts to encourage Annie’s dedication while also pointing out that working herself to the bone “for the man” is ridiculous.

He’d have a smaller monthly cell bill, definitely, but he’d be missing—all of it. 

(This is very grossly emotional and if you judge him, he’ll sue.)

(Metaphorically.)

::

(Annie E)  
_I’m not going to apologize for the yam thing._

_We deserved that A._

_you texted me at midnight & said you needed me, annie _

_I know my audience, Winger. Not sorry._

_what were you even doing on campus?_

_…_

_i’m going to take the lack of answer as evidence of overwork_

_Fine. Abed and Troy were being really loud so I went to campus for some p &q. _

_just tell them to shut up_

_OH WOW!! That’s a brand new idea, Jeff!_

_Thank you so much for sharing this awesome, amazing wisdom with me!!_ 💕💕💕

_What would I EVER do without you??_

_so you told them to shut up_

_Technically I ran out of vetos on volume on Tuesday._ 🤷

_is it a fullmoon or something?_

_Probably. They’ve been a lot this week. A LOT._

_Do you think hypnosis would work??_

_wtf annie_

_What??_

_sometimes i think you’re basically a monster wearing the skin of a bambi. its very strange_

_Aww, thank you!!_ 💕

_weirdo_

::

He has these rules. He replies to texts from his friends within a day, unless there’s a significant chance of antics or tomfoolery. He doesn’t use emojis, or capital letters, or shorthand but it’s less a choice than just a bad habit at this point. He doesn’t do selfies—unless there isn’t a mirror within half a mile, or if he’s capturing said antics or tomfoolery. 

(Yes, there’s a second group chat for just the guys. He named it ‘Sausage Fest’. So what. It doesn’t mean anything. He's aloof. Jaded. Or something.)

::

(Abed)  
_Are you planning anything for my birthday this year?_

_idk_

_why_

_Troy and I are considering the merits of homaging The Matrix in a game of laser tag._

_And last year you were mad I did my own thing._

_So I didn’t want my thing to contradict your thing._

_If you were doing a thing._

_abed: play lasertag with your bf_

_it’s fine_

_You’ll be invited._

_We need a Morpheus and Pierce isn’t all-knowing enough for that role._

_who’s neo_

_Troy. He’s more Chosen One material. Or so he says, since he’s the air conditioning repair messiah._

_who’re you_

_Agent Smith._

_jfc who thought this was a good idea?_

_you’re obviously trinity_

_Britta’s Trinity._

_nope trinity believes in neo_

_which is what spurs his belief in himself_

_and troy believes in himself_

_bc you believe in him_

_therefore, you = trininity_

_I won’t fit in the costume, though._

_costume? ...is it leather?_

_Yes?_

_does britta know it’s leather?_

_No?_

_i’ll be agent smith ok_

_you be morpheus_

_you’re basically our god anyway_


End file.
